karmaville

Starting over and second chances

Life sucks sometimes.  This weekend was no exception.  From one of my sister's dogs having to be put to sleep, to my mom's health still not much better, to a $300 red light camera ticket, I had a bad weekend.

In the midst of all of this, the more I thought about it, the more I relaized I need to write more and expunge all this stuff.  So, as soon as my eyes heal enough (LASIK again this afternoon), karmaville will have a new look, frequent updates, and perhaps a photoblog.  Certainly by this weekend.

Stay tuned.

Words I wish I could express.

A letter to Andrew Sullivan from a reader says lots of things I have been thinking.

There are people tonight who are going to sleep on overpasses for the fourth straight night. There are prisoners who will do the same. There are people dying at a convention center because no one will tell them that no one is coming for them, and the National Guard is protecting the kitchens. There are police officers who are turning in their badges because they've lost everything, have no guidance, and don't want to be shot by a looter.

There are people tonight inside a concrete domed stadium with holes in the roof and no air conditioning who were told the buses are coming today, and they might, or they might not. There is no food. There is no water. There are bodies floating through the neighborhoods.

In the UNITED STATES.

Some people say that you can't hold the President responsible for this. Oh, yes you can. Because when he looked over at John Ashcroft after the jets hit the towers and said, "I want you to make sure this never happens again," it was not meant to be specific to "no more planes hitting large buildings on the East Coast, right, boss." It was meant that no American should have to run for his life through an American city. While Americans may perish in a senseless, unforeseen disaster, we'd save the ones we could.

And the Cabinet appointees were mushwits and he could barely speak a complete sentence and we're sending people overseas for God knows how long to help people who are indifferent at worst and hostile at best, but they were going to protect us. In 2004, that's all a lot of us needed. Well right now, it's obvious that they can't.
...

Read the whole thing.

Today I had two spoons.

Yeah, I'm alive. 

My desire to write has been diminished in the past few months due to summer, the job being busy, and moving.  I may or may not start to write more soon but I felt the urge to tell you about my day today.

Today I had two spoons.

Living day to day with a serious, semi-invisible disease can be hard to describe.  Even harder when you have two, albeit related.  My main way to describe it to friends is through humor.  I like to joke about the pain medicine for instance.  But there are times, when I simply just can't describe what it is like to be me.

I have a reputation among my friends as someone who bails out at the last minute from get togethers to just hang out at home.  It is pretty justified since I do bail out frequently, and I can tell it frustrates my friends at times.  It has likely cost me some friendships and hurt numerous feelings, but I have never explained why I usually do it.

The absolute worst thing about having a disease is the pity.  I would have to hire grad students from MIT to count the number of times someone has said, "Oh, you poor thing."  The second worse thing is the disbelief.  People can't understanding that a person can be fine one day, and not the next.  I understand completely since I am the same way about things I don't understand, but it is still frustrating.

When I bail out of a gathering, 95% of the time it is because I simply physically can't do it.  Trying to explain to my friends or family why I am staying home, I walk that line of pity and disbelief. Avoiding the pity of how I truly feel and dodging the disbelief of "he always does this".

In my current job, I meet a lot of people who are living with the same thing I am.  One of them pointed me to the story of the spoons.  It illustrates better than I can of the reason why I sometimes bail out.

Luckily for me, I am on a new medication that is helping immeasurably and giving me more relief.  But even then, on some days I only wake up with two spoons.

So if I have bailed on you recently, in the past, or will in the future, I ask your forgiveness. I wish I could be there, but sometimes I just can't.

Jim Caple is a genius.

"What's the matter?" Harry asked, imagining he and Hermione performing the act We Must Not Name, or at least not until Book Seven.
...
Hermione peered into the hallway for spies and Harry took advantage of the opportunity to get a good long look at her rear end. He noticed how it was so much more appealing than Aunt Petunia's. [link]

There are days in which I realize I can be an idiot.

Today is one of those days.

"I'll just check my bank account to see how much I could maybe spend on a new couch" went my feebled brain.

"Account balance -16.47" read my astounded eyes.

"Aww, fuck!" went my sailor's mouth.

Yeah.  Somedays I realize I can be an idiot, but an idiot with loving parents who live nearby and can float me a line of credit.

The Half-Blood Prince and the fully read book.

Massive spoilers below the fold.

So after checking the mailbox approximately every 17 seconds for what seemd like about 82 years, the fine people at the USPS delivered my copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince at exactly 1:17 pm.  [yeah, I followed the mail-lady as she delivered the mail to the box, so what?]

I finished about twenty minutes ago after warning my Mom via phone that it wasn't exactly a happy book.

Sometimes you just hate people.

Days like today are ones I wish I didn't have to deal with.  You know when a loved one is getting plastered by false innuedo, rumor, and outright bile, you just want to kick someone's ass but you can't?  Yeah.  That's today.

Adventures in House Selling.

You never know how much you appreciate friends and good service until you get the really crappy stuff. 

My sister is selling her house and chose the Worst Realtor in Portland. [I took out the link to her site but will share via email.  After all, the house still is in limbo]

Some highlights, in vaguely the order they happened.

• She gave a bad comparison price for the market.
• The "professional" photographer who was supposed to come and take the 360° photos never showed when they were supposed to.
• She put the boyfriend's house on the market a week early.
• The original RMLS listing? "Charming house. BEWARE OF DOGS!"
• No flyers for the first 10 days the house was on the market.  She needed the photos from the "professional" who took a week to re-schedule, then shot pictures a four year could have shot better.
• Wanted to drop the price after 3 days.  Before the flyers or photos were taken.
• Multiple unreturned phone calls.
• When we ran out of flyers and her assistant didn't show up with replacements until 24 hours after she promised they would arrive, her huffy response to me was "We don't guarantee flyers.  They are not that important."
• When I called her 4th of July weekend about two agents who just showed up because they couldn't get a hold of her? She accused me of lying when I said I couldn't get through to her either.  Point blank. [Still have the call log from the calls...]
• After there was an offer with a firm deadline this weekend, she couldn't be reached by my sister to make a counter offer.  She wasn't returning messages.  Never did until after the deadline passed.
• And the last, today when I asked my sister what the game plan was?  The agent suggested she just ignore the offer since they probably wouldn't like a counter-offer.

Makes me glad Mom and Dad went with the Best Real Estate Agents in Portland instead.  One day on the market, at full price, with no hassle, and a great attitude.

So, in short?  Thanks Jenny.  I knew I could trust you.

I wear yellow.

Do you?

You can support OHSU and the Lance Armstrong Foundation by pledging to support a rider in the LiveSTRONG Ride Portland.  I am donating to my best friend Eric's 100 mile ride.

If you can help, I encourage you to do so.

On the job.

I have now worked three days at my new job.  A few observations:

1. Job titles mean very little.
2. THIS is the job I now realize I have always wanted.  Even if I am not really sure what my job is.
3. It has triggered some surprisingly emotional reactions from me about my life.
4. I like my boss.  I really like my boss.
5. Making frioends with the IT person was a great start.
6. Chocolate is the best way to have people come visit you.
7. Business plans are boring.
8. Change is difficult.
9. Getting up at 5:45 is really not very much fun.
10. Dressing up again is fun.

That's it for now.