karmaville

Mother's Day

I find more and more that the memories I have of my mom are increasingly the last few months and especially the last few days of her life.  I can immediately remember the sights and smells of the hospital, the beep the sensor made as her oxygen levels dropped, and the long walk to her room to say goodbye for the last time.  What I can't remember is what her voice sounded like,  where we were when we talked about her dying, or what I gave her on her last Mother's Day.   I am even having trouble remembering what she looked like without having to look at her picture.  When I try to remember my mom, all I see is her in the hospital bed as she faded away in her last hours.

All I want is to remember my mother on Mother's Day the way she was when she was happy and full of life.  As time moves on and my memories of her continue to fade, I know I may never be able to do that again and that makes my heart ache in a way I never thought possible.

"I get profiled in a national magazine and all I get is this lousy url..."

It has been less than a year since I last posted here so this is not offically an "abandoned" site, just very, very lonely one.

About six months ago I got a phone call from a writer asking if I was interested in being profiled in The Scientist magazine.  I said sure, and the result came out this month. I am not a fan of the picture, I like this one of me much better, but what can I do, I only had a little time to get it to them.  The article was a little more intensely personal than I remember of our conversation, but evidently, I talked a little more than I usually do about my earlier life.

As for general me updates, I have a new job, Director of Public Affairs here, but that's not really new since I worked there (here?) before.  Not much else is new.  Same life, same friends, same apartments, same...well everything.  Except I got a new camera, so I may post some pictures now and again.  But I wouldn't get too excited about a lot happening here.

Oh, except that now you know my full name, my age, where I work, what I look like, and more stuff about me than most people do.  So no stalkers okay? 

Not unless you're cute and single.

Ten things I learned this week

The continuation of an occasional series.

1. Drunken single mothers waving cigarettes for emphasis whose children are out for the night can be pretty belligerent when you ask them to turn down their music at midnight.
2. If you take a nap, try not to let Red Dragon or Silence of the Lambs play on the TV while you are resting.  It can cause strange dreams, especially twice in the same week.
3. Depositing an unemployment check at the bank stops them from asking you if you are interested in buying a house.
4. Evidently listing Walt Disney as someone who has influenced you is weird in the world of on-line dating.
5. The Portland Art Museum has some...uh, interesting, art.  Particularly on the fourth floor of the modern section.
6. Recognizing someone who is both the brother of a friend and the friend of my sister on CNN tends to give me pause.
7. Letting slip that you have an idea for a screenplay leads to constant pressure from certain someones to write said screenplay.
8. A group of people in a mid-Western state believe that I am fictional and that my real name is actually just the name of a sex toy.  Kind of a long story.
9. People in my neighborhood like to drive very fast and have sex with strangers for money. Yet I don't know any of them.  Unfortunately.
10. Kids spelling random words in front of an audience of millions is strangely capitvating.

I should also have a small announcement later today on a new event I am undertaking that should lead to daily posts while it occurs.

It's been a while, so hello again friends

It is funny how life can be sometimes.

Three weeks ago I was beginning to dread the upcoming weeks.  Mother's Day was a little more than a week away.  Mom's birthday was almost four weeks away. My health was declining from the inability to control my arthritis pain.  In short, I was in a bad place.

Then, a very nice thing happened.  The girl who I had long thought funny, cute, and just my type?  She took that leap of faith and asked if I was interested in a seeing a concert.  Cue the world suddenly going off-tilt.  Did the girl I had the crush on just ask me out?  It appeared so.

Since then I have had an interesting few weeks.  I got fired, had a pain relapse, missed a payment on my VISA card since the reminder was on the work computer, had my first Mother's Day without Mom, and got yet another new neighbor that smokes like a chimeny (all three sides now for those of you counting at home). 

But you know, it really doesn't matter at this point.  Why?  It seems I have a date on Monday and that makes me everything okay for now.

Oh and I have decided to revive karmaville for a while. But you probably figured that one out on your own.  So, hello friends and welcome back.  I have missed you.

Saying Goodbye

I remember when I was eight or nine that I was terrified that my mother would die while I was sleeping.  Each night, I would give her a hug and make sure that the last thing I said to her was "I love you".  I wanted the last thing she heard from me was my love. 

This went on for many, many months.  I do not remember what it was that made me so afraid or why that feeling faded, but I do remember that I promised myself that I would always try to have those be the last thing I say to Mom.

Since Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I had begun saying "I love you" everytime we said goodbye.  Last night I said "I love you" for the last time.

My mom died last night after a short fight with complications from her cancer.  I was with her most of the day as she began to fade away from a combination of blood clots and the spread of the cancer to her lungs and a small bleed in her brain.  Up until yesterday, she had been awake and responsive over the last few days as she began to slowly get better from an infection in her legs. 

During her stay at the hospital, the thing that bugged her the most was the monitor that attached to her finger to measure her pulse and oxygen saturation.  I knew she was feeling better on Friday when she took off the monitor on her finger and hide her fingers from me when I tried to put back on.  She was feisty and being ornery which I knew meant she felt she was going to beat this.  Unfortunately, her will to fight was not strong enough to overcome the infection that caused her body to fight harder than it was able.

As she began to fade and the doctor in ICU walked us through what was happening, we decided to bring Mom home as soon as we could.  The blood clots in her lungs and the small bleed in her brain were not something she would recover from and we knew it was only a matter of time.  The doctor felt she was stable through the night and so we went home, preparing to come back on Sunday to take her home.  Unfortunately, Mom's fight ended about an hour after we left.

At the end, due to the low level of oxygen in her blood, she became less and less responsive to our questions and requests.  As we got ready to leave we went to say good night.  Although completely Unresponsive to the doctors and nurses, Mom looked at both my sister and I we gave our love, but the last thing she responded to was my father asking her if she was still his sweetheart.  She looked right at him and nodded.

I will always regret not being here to help my mom face the final moments in her life but I take comfort in knowing that the last thing I was able to say to my mom was "I love you". 

I just wish she could hear me say it to her one more time.